Reading some people’s posts on social media, Twitter this
time, I’ve come to realize that some life lessons are harder to learn much more
than others. Some take little time to get and some take a lifetime to realize
but hopefully we listen and learn when the lesson presents itself. Some of us
never figure it out, but not because of anything but our own thinking, our own
unwillingness to address that within ourselves that is blocking change. Perhaps
for some they believe that all change must be external, and they only react to
external changes others implement or cause.
Who knows? Regardless, the
lessons will present themselves and it’s up to us to recognize, listen, learn,
embrace them and create the internal change we must create to make use of the
lesson.
One lesson I’ve learned, through some pretty tough times (some
of my own making) is that happiness is a choice. Yeah, I know it’s an old tired
‘new age’ phrase but phrases like ‘happiness is a choice’ never gain repetition unless they are based on fact; on people’s personal experiences
that are shared by millions who have also experienced it.
When my mom had a stroke in December of 2009 a state away
and was soon after diagnosed with cancer at the same time my dog needed expensive
tests we couldn’t afford that turned out to be a cancer diagnosis for him I almost
lost my mind. Those who were close to me knew that I was struggling emotionally.
I was sad all the time, I cried a LOT and it truly felt to me as if I was going
to have a for real clinical nervous breakdown. I was literally numb with the
sadness and desperation of it all and did not feel like I was myself anymore. I
had no power to affect, improve or change either major thing that was happening
simultaneously and due to my feelings of powerlessness I was in deep emotional
trouble. My very nature is to be optimistic to a fault, but during this time
optimism left me and all I felt was deep despair bordering on anxiety. I didn’t
know how to change the situation or the outcome, no matter how many ‘plans’ I
made up in my head, and it was driving me crazy. In addition to the feelings of
powerlessness, knowing that both my mother and my dog were going to die soon, I know now that subconsciously I felt as if I had no right to be happy, to
feel any sort of happiness at all. For some reason I felt that because two very
important beings in my life were dying and perhaps were suffering in the
process I didn’t feel I had the right to smile, to laugh or to have any kind of
happiness in my life; almost as if I had to suffer with them to show my love for them. I know now that belief was a misconception that was
slowly but surely destroying me.
At some point, when I didn’t think I could bear another moment
of any of it, I had an epiphany. I realized that to have the strength and the
will go get through it all completely and totally depended on my ability to eek
some semblance of happiness out of life; no matter how small. I realized that
my belief that I had no right to feel happy was silly and stole my strength to get
through it all rather than preserved the emotional fortitude to get through it all.
It finally occurred to me that the happiness’s I was able to create gave me
strength, recharged my batteries, reminded me that life is both happiness and
sorrow; not just sorrow. It provided hope, even if a blind hope, where only
despair had lived. I know that without hope we fail, without hope we sink into
inaction and a feeling of unworthiness to succeed.
I found out, the hard way I suppose, that no matter what’s
happening in my life, no matter the threat, no matter the situation, the lack
of money, the condition of my health or my loved ones health or whatever not
only did I deserve to find some way to feel happiness but I HAD to find a way
to feel happiness because without it there was no light in my life, but only
despair. One can’t weather any situation in life if all they hold within their
hearts, minds and souls is a feeling of despair. It robs us of strength,
strength we need to weather whatever is going on in our lives.
It is, in my opinion and experience, a choice. I will always
choose happiness, even in times of great adversity because it gives me the
strength to go on and is a great reminder that things will get better; life
will improve because it has always worked out that way in the past.
